Spinning: Ted Kennedy's Alternative Energy Program for Nantucket

Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy today proposed an alternative to the massive Cape Wind renewable energy project slated for Nantucket Sound. Kennedy has been a vocal opponent of the wind farm, although it could generate up to 475 megawatts of clean energy. To keep the wind turbines from cluttering their view of the Sound, the entire Kennedy clan, along with other elite Vineyarders plan to build and operate a 24x7 spinning farm using high performance stationary bikes. Any excess power generated would be fed back into the national grid.

At a hastily convened press conference, Kennedy explained that despite being out of shape, he was ready and willing to do his part to help meet the state's electricity needs. When a reporter queried whether the portly senator was hiding Jimmy Hoffa inside his person, Kennedy merely smiled and said that he was eagerly looking forward to "dropping a few pounds".

Meanwhile, opponents of the Cape Wind plan danced with glee, poured gasoline on the ground and started several celebratory wildfires after learning the FAA has been issuing stop-work orders to various wind farm developers around the U.S. It seems the U.S. air force has suddenly decided that large spinning blades could allow small aircraft to elude military radar. To illustrate the problem, a Defense Department spokeswoman rapidly waved her hands back and forth in front of her face shouting "Can you see me? Can you see me? I don't think so!” However, by this time, reporters had turned around to watch Senator Kennedy swaying and grunting atop a stationary bicycle. As he pedaled, a small red bulb began to flicker. Faster and faster he pedaled. Until sweat glistened and streamed in the folds of his face. And then the elder statesman, himself, began to glow. Like a large fiery chunk of dirty coal, he vowed to keep the lights burning in the Vineyard.